Vegetables, Now with More Stress

So this summer's adventure is going to be . . . vegetables!

Yeah, I know, I'm the last person in the universe to sign up for a CSA share (a small share, actually, because I'm not trying to feed a family of four). I found one that had a long list of stuff I like (or even love), and, even cooler, they deliver to your door. Yes, there's a charge for that, but it also means I don't have to haul a half a bushel of produce on a bus or el. Total cost is going to be less than $25/week. Okay, still not exactly cheap, but a half a bushel of fresh organic produce, delivered to my door, every week, plus I get to support a local farmer? Sounds good to me.

And, really, it will keep me from wandering through the farmers markets, overloading myself with stuff that then must be hauled and that proceeds to get mauled by bumping around in my bags for the duration of the travel. I'm still going to need to buy fruit and honey, but I'm okay with that. I'm also going to do what I did last year with the blueberries: buy a big wad and then freeze them into small bags for dumping into oatmeal.

I will probably freeze a lot of stuff from this effort, and I"m okay with that, too. I already buy frozen vegetables a lot of the time, precisely to avoid things turning into a science project in the fridge. In short, I wouldn't be surprised if my 30 weeks of produce ends up lasting for a lot of the year. Some of it--winter squash, anyone?--already lends itself to keeping; I still have two butternut squashes from last fall sitting on my counter. Other bits, like herbs, I'll probably chop and freeze as herb pestos; easy enough to hack off a little, and I have found, from my basil pesto operations, that, if you squish the pesto to the bottom of the baggie and squeeze out the air, the pesto log will last for years. Once you start hacking bits off--and break the seal, basically--it can get a little freezer burned, but I've also learned to make the logs relatively small.

I am so tired.

This week has been full of more stress--yesterday I discovered that I had forgotten two providers in our budgets. (All people currently on staff were supposed to already be preloaded in the system, but these two were not, possibly because they started relatively recently; I half-noticed they weren't there last week, but then must have gotten distracted by something else, or figured I couldn't find them, or whatthefuckever, and . . . just forgot to deal with it. Luckily I found it yesterday, and then there was a great flurry of finding $150k in an already very very tight budget, not to mention the fun part of saying to my boss, and his/her boss, and the finance person, "Ummm, people? I fucked up."

It was sort of interesting. The finance person--with whom I have had go-rounds, and whom I still do not entirely trust--was dismayed, but was also very pleased that I HAD found it, and, more important, had called everyone's attention to it now, (a day) before it all goes to the finance committee of the board for approval--insisted that I should not be the one to call it to the attention of my boss's boss. And my boss was fine with it--other than the stress of the steps we have to take to find the money--and my boss's boss was concerned that I not be upset, commenting that it was just a mistake, and finally I have made one (??has s/he not paid attention to my multiple other errors??), and yay on me for catching it now. S/he insisted my boss come find me and tell me not to stress about it.

Wha??

It's especially interesting because, earlier in the day, s/he had sent this completely snotty email complaining that we hadn't sent something s/he requested, and what I sent was still not what s/he wanted, and, as the Muckety-Muck, s/he thought s/he could ask for that. (Actually s/he HAD received what was requested, but apparently failed to understand that, which really made us roll our eyes.) As a result of that exchange, though, I said to my boss that the thing I hate most about that attitude is that it fosters an atmosphere where people are afraid to make mistakes and, when they do, are more likely to cover them up rather than own up to them. So, yes, this person managed to display both sides of the coin in the same eight hours.

I really, really hate when I fuck up like that. Yes, not every day can be a good day. Yes, we all make mistakes. And so on. That doesn't make the finding-and-owning-up process any more pleasant. But the alternative makes me even more queasy. The thought of knowing that we had that big a hole in the budget but not saying anything about it makes my stomach clench even tighter. I mean, seriously; what was I going to do?

And, of course, there's always the temptation to find someone else to blame--why weren't they already in the budget? why didn't anyone else catch it? why are we paying administrative fees if we don't get the help we need?--and I just swallowed it. It was my responsibility; no one else's. And I can also see the systemic changes we need to reduce the chance of it happening again, which is even more important.

The good parts--and there are a few--are that I did catch it in time, and that I've identified a couple of gaps in the system, and, finally, everyone really was very supportive, rather than critical or finger-pointing. But I would really rather not go in today and find more issues like that, thanks so much.