Walls and No Bridges

One of the things that has been absolutely fascinating to me through the past two weeks or so--since the whole Narya's-Leaving thing became public--is that people have had such a variety of reactions to my impending departure. Other times in my life the events were "inside" me--I was going through a lot of turmoil of one kind or another, and those emotions overwhelmed my ability to truly pay attention to or be present for other people's responses. This time, though, I'm not feeling as overwhelmed, and as a result I can read the environment and other people much bettter, or I'm more open to what other people are going through, or something.

Several people are really quite upset--they regard this as more decimation of the staff in our portion of the program. One administrative person with whom I work is really quite upset; s/he said, "but you're the brains of the operation!" No amount of reassurance that it will be fine has any effect on his/her reactions. Several others have expressed similar sentiments, which surprised me--I really didn't think people were all that aware of what I do, much less that they thought that highly of it. So that has been quite touching, really.

The people I've worked with most closely for the past year--the other senior manager types--are somewhat varied in their reactions. One person tried to get as much out of my brain as possible . . . and then left town last week, not to return until after I'm gone. I don't think that person learned enough, but (wait for it . . .) not my problem either way. A second person is going to introduce me to people in other organizations who might be able to make use of my skills, which is really quite helpful, and has expressed a desire to be friends with me (we've already done some things together outside of work, so that's actually a possibility, and I like this person a lot). A third person wants me to write things down, and I did some of that, but basically this person wants things handed out on silver platters and, well, not so much.

The boss invited me to meet with him/her for a break next week, a while before the goodbye party starts (I'm "crashing" the goodbye party for someone else whose last day is the same as mine), which, on one hand, I think is just bizarre--this person just FIRED me, fer chrissakes! We can dress up that pig and put diplomatic language in its mouth, but seriously? The thing is, I think the boss actually likes me quite a bit, so it's not completely insane, and, for another, I wouldn't dream of missing it--I cannot wait to see what s/he has to say. Much to the dismay of various friends and family members, all of whom regard me as too nice and/or too trusting, I actually like the boss, too.

And that's been interesting, too. The objectivity I've been able to maintain enables me to see both why the boss is doing this and why it's a big damn mistake. As I have said repeatedly, the senior team around the boss has worked together for more than a decade, and they are only interested in each other, only trust each other. They practically have a secret language. There are different standards of behavior for the "in" group versus everyone else. There is an unwillingness to share, and a refusal to recognize how they keep others out. The difficulties are masked by their history of success--but I think that what has worked in the past will not necessarily work in the future for them. They speak the language of Change and New, but they absolutely refuse to embrace it on any deep level. Which, hey, might work for them.

On Sunday after my yoga class I ran into someone who has worked with the senior team for a long time, and s/he had absolutely nothing good to say about them (and was more harsh than I would be, to tell you the truth). S/he basically congratulated me on "getting out," and offered to provide me with a reference any time, for anybody, which was a bit of a surprise. S/he ticked off all the things I had noticed myself (with no prompting from me, mind you), except with an extra helping of bitterness.

So, basically, I was doomed, from the beginning. And, on one hand, the boss has the right to put together the team that s/he thinks will best serve what s/he thinks the needs of the organization are--and if s/he doesn't think I help with that, then of course s/he absolutely positively should get rid of me, and the manner in which that has occurred has been reasonably respectful and . . . I don't know, not traumatic?, as possible, under the circumstances.

The fly in this particular ointment, however, at least in my opinion, is that the very difficulties I've identified point not to weaknesses on my part (which is not to say that I don't have weaknesses), but to weaknesses of the whole approach, the closed-team (with lots of language about how it's an "open" team) approach. The boss and, thus, the team, do not let others in, which means there are whole worlds of information they don't have. That was less of an issue before, when their areas of specialty were also the areas on which their part of the organization focused. Now, though, there's a huge other area, and they do not possess nearly as much knowledge or expertise, but they think they do. So, frankly, either they'll figure it out or they won't, but they'll have to do it without someone who actually knows a fair amount about it, in addition to possessing other potentially useful skills.

Back to the original point, and I do have one: it's been fascinating seeing and hearing people's reaction to this whole thing. The details in the previous four paragraphs are, by and large, unavailable to the vast majority of people--but they nevertheless have sensed them and comment on them. I don't confirm or deny--I stick to the script--but I'm fascinated how much people have picked up without my saying a word or lifting an eyebrow.

But, as Arlo Guthrie once said, that's not what i came here to talk about. (As an aside, I make it a point to listen to the Thanksgiving playing of "Alice's Restaurant" by my local radio station.) What I came here to discuss, and I probably should have put it in a whole separate post, is the Wall of Vegetables in my refrigerator. And on my counter. And in my closet. Seriously.

I have five butternut squash (two others have already been roasted and frozen), an acorn squash, four cabbages, four bags of potatos, several bags of turnips, five pounds of carrots, a fuckton of lettuce (which is going to become soup, I think), celery leaves and parsley, onions, garlic, radishes, two or three bags of spinach, some kale, and . . . more stuff? I know I'm forgetting things. I need to get through as much of it as possible this week. The potatos will keep for awhile, as would some of the other stuff, but it's easy enough to hack up the squash and roast it while I do other things.

The other task of Thursday and Friday is baking, because I'm doing the cookies to accompany the beer samples on Saturday, but that will require a different discussion. And, despite my understandable and nearly complete lack of motivation, not to mention lack of desire to show up early to work, I do have to make an appearance tomorrow.