Punched in at 6:30, punched out at 5:30, or thereabouts. I'm running faster just to keep up, and it's taking a toll. I'm guessing at least 55 hours this week. I've also realized--and pointed out to Bossman--that I'm making a little more than twice the number of croissants I was making last year at this time, plus we've added five new products (mini plain, mini chocolate, mini raisin, large cinnamon raisin, and pecan rolls).
I went through yet another damned mental crisis this week, ostensibly caused by surfing over to an old place of employment (the substance abuse treatment agency) and discovering they have a contract management position open. Since I wrote the database they're still using to manage contracts, and since I did a fair amount of contract management for them before, and since I left on good terms, I'm guessing I'd have some shot at actually getting that job, were I to attempt to do so. The pluses would be at least as much as I'm making now--probably half again as much, maybe twice as much--paid health insurance, paid vacation, fewer hours, and i could still do the proofreading and such on the side. I know the organization, I like their work. In short, I could make more money and work fewer hours, and, though there are always issues in any organizational structure, I wouldn't have to sell my soul.
The negatives? I wouldn't be baking. I wouldn't be tasting something and saying, "Hmm, that could use some orange zest, and more raspberry (linzer torte is the anniversary special for the month of February), and, if I had time, I could candy some orange peel, which would make a beautiful garnish," and have Bossman agree all the way. Or have Bossman bring over a sample of the third round of macaroons, and tell him an orange filling would go nice with them and have him say a little while later he's going to fill them with an orange ganache tomorrow. Or seeing beautifully laminated croissants, gleaming on the sheet pans when I come in in the morning. Hell, I even like the office work I'll be doing. (I'm not really doing orders these days; Bossman is doing them until we get Quickbooks up and running. On the other hand, I am putting together the website, so I don't feel too bad, plus I'm helping him think about ways he can use Quickbooks to get a different/better handle on the business.) I like the place I work, in short. What I don't like is the very low pay. I wouldn't even mind the really long hours quite as much if I were making more money.
So I had a crisis about it for awhile, and then I reminded myself (for, oh, the 4,732nd time) that I don't have to solve any of this now. If I decide in a year that I really can't or don't want to do this any more, then I can stop. Meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to learn how to use Quickbooks or to put together a website--and have someone pay me to do those things. If I did decide i wanted to start some business of my own, all of this would be extremely valuable experience. And if I don't want to start my own business, the experience will still help, no matter what I want to do next. My worry, of course, is that the longer I'm out of an office environment, the more difficult it would be to reenter that world, should I want to do that. And, let's face it, there are days when paid vacation, and paid health insurance, and sick days, and not shlepping 50-pound bags of flour, and having time to play handball and practice yoga, and being able to afford to do those things . . . well, it all sounds pretty attractive.
I suspect the other three things that are going on--all of which are contributing to my state of mind earlier this week--are hormonal fluctuations (more from age-related changes than from cyclic fluctuations), plus lack of exercise, plus the impending end of my ill-fated marriage, plus not looking forward to dealing with the crap that will be necessary to make that happen, plus just general tiredness, plus not getting nearly enough sunlight, plus worry about my parents. I think that's more than three. No one of them is all that dire, but all piled up on top of each other gets to me sometimes, and I have to remind myself that it would be peculiar if that stuff didn't get to me sometimes.
And, you know, this reinventing myself takes a lot of energy. I've done this four or five times already, depending on how you count, and it's really fucking difficult--and this time around, my plans blew up on me, seeing as how my marriage imploded, and that partnership was one of the cornerstones of this reinvention. Kind of a double whammy there, eh?
Anyway, I'm better today. Tired, and wishing it weren't 8:20 already, because I have to go to bed soon and I feel like I just got home, but better. I really wish I'd found the energy for some yoga--my back is a fucking board tonight--but it just wasn't happening. But I think I have time for a little needlepoint, so maybe I'll take the first stitches on the new canvas and call it a success.
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3 comments:
Self-reinvention is hard, and one of the hard things about it for me is always that feeling of "when is it time to fall back on my fall-back position?" It sounds to me like you're not there yet. I think it's very healthy, to have that "I can always stop in a year" in the back of your mind. It doesn't mean that you're going to stop, but giving yourself the option is sometimes really important.
Yeah, it's just scary to keep going in this direction, because I know how low-paid and physically difficult it is. There's also the fear of not being able to change this direction in a way that pays better and is less taxing--the longer I'm out of the office world, the harder it will be to get someone to take me back. When I'm really depressed, it's also hard to keep going in this direction because I don't see any future in it.
I admire you for all your reinvention. A modern Odysseus--the journey's the thing, not Ithaca.
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