Things I Discovered

on my walk home from work tonight (and i say "tonight" because I worked almost 12 hours today and therefore didn't get out of work until after 7:00).

1. It doesn't take all THAT long--about an hour and 15 minutes, when taking what i think is the most direct (i.e., shortest) route.

2. There are a couple of stretches that aren't as well-lit as perhaps they could be, most notably the stretch that features the cemetery along one sidewalk and the train tracks (atop an embankment) on the other. There's enough traffic so that it's probably not a big issue, but it's still not great.

3. The most direct route (as opposed to the scenic route, I think) goes through a few somewhat unsavory bits. Even the unsavory bits seem pretty well-populated, but there were one or two places where groups of 20-something men were hanging around. It wasn't an issue, i.e., no one hassled me, because, despite today's warmth, I was still wearing my work pants and a down coat, rather than, say, summer clothing, and because these men had perhaps not ingested quite enough alcohol or other substances to have turned into complete assholes, and perhaps because (so I'm told) my style of walking is sufficiently quick and forthright that easier prey is likely to come along--but any of those things could change.

4. I really must do more yoga. I managed at least a few minutes of it a couple of days this week, but I can tell that my body is stiffer and I think I'm getting arthritis in my right hip, so I must make more effort, else the walking will have counterproductive effects as well as productive ones. The trick may be to alternate walking home and practicing some yoga when i get home.

All of this is predicated on working a few fewer hours per week. I got home at 8:15 tonight, and luckily had no intention of, say, making dinner or doing much of anything. It's already 9:00--I'm drinking some club soda, I'll soon pour myself a glass of wine, I may be able to find some television that isn't completely annoying, but on a school night, it would be nearly time for bed and I wouldn't have done my next-day prep yet. (Next-day prep includes putting out most of my clothes for the next day, packing real clothes if I'm going someplace after work, preparing my lunch, and pouring a bowl of cereal (leaving out the milk), which i then slip into a large plastic freezer bag.)

And not just that: I'm exhausted. I had dinner and a couple of beers with a friend last night, and he pointed out that I can set limits to the number of hours I'm willing to work (while acknowledging that that's easier recommended than done) and tried to get me to stop taking on even more crap at the bakery (the website; photography for the website; transitioning to Quickbooks). He's right, of course. I also had a revelation this week, sort of. For one thing, I think the own-my-own-bakery-or-coffee-shop dream is nearly dead. I don't see my way clear to doing it my myself, for sure, and there are so many issues involved that would take time and energy to solve; I don't think I have it in me to do it. I don't think I want it badly enough, is the thing, on top of being somewhat risk-averse these days and on top of feeling too old to do it. But I also realized that if I'm going to work 65 hours/week for an average of about $12/hour (I'm counting straight time, overtime, and editing time in the calculations, with appropriate remuneration for each), I'd rather do it all for me and be able to set my own schedule. And then I reminded myself that I have several things (doctor; eye doctor; divorce) with which I must deal before I attack the what-do-I-do-next issue.

Speaking of divorce, we did last night. Chuck had called to tell me that he finally got all his documentation, and it turns out he only owes about $300, so he's going to just go ahead and file separately without itemizing. He then suggested we get the divorce moving along so we don't have to go through this again, and I agreed. He noted that he was tired of "banging his head against a wall, and tired of begging," which rather took me by surprise. I managed to bite my tongue, but i was a little curious regarding exactly what begging he'd been doing. Trust me when i say that he hasn't begged me for anything, most certainly not for a reconciliation of any kind, and he absolutely hasn't done any of the things that I told him I needed to see in order to be able to trust him again; in general, he's done pretty much the opposite, all along. I'm not sure how this translates to "begging," but I really didn't feel like getting into it with him about it. In any case, we've started that process moving again, so I'm going to keep it moving. I want to be out of it. It breaks my heart in so very many ways, but it is over and I want it over in all of the legal ways as well.