Skip This

Unless you're up for more whining.

Turns out that realizing you're in a dead-end job and that your Life Plan has once again immolated itself doesn't really do wonders for your motivation. Throw in the fact that I simply have too much work to accomplish in a reasonable work week, and, well, let's just say that Narya's cranky. On top of that, Bossman has been gone for a week, so I was the Unofficial Bossperson for many things. And today's paycheck did not have a comma (though it IS the third paycheck of the month). Unfortunately, all of my friends have heard the whining even more than you guys have, and they can recite my woes as well as i can. ("Moo, moo, moo," said one the other night, after reciting said list so I didn't have to, which made me laugh.)

Seriously, though, I have had to try to sleepwalk through this week just so I didn't put down my knife and walk out. (Actually, I'd take the knife with me, it being my knife and all.) If I think about the summer--and the work that will be required for the farmers' markets--I get even more depressed. I hate it all. I hate the croissants. I hate the laminating. I hate the constant struggle to get out of work before 6 (after punching in at 6:15). I hate coming home to more work. I hate not being able to play handball or have the motivation to practice yoga. I hate not being able to talk to my coworkers or understand them very well when they talk to me. I hate working 11- and 12-hour days. I especially hate working those kinds of days (a) on behalf of someone else's business, (b) with no end in sight, and (c) for relatively little money. I don't want to ask for more money, because (a) it wouldn't be enough more money and (b) even a little more money would cause Bossman to regard me as obligated to work the kind of hours and days that I hate working, and did I mention I hate that?

And looking for a job--which I am, indeed, doing--depresses me in a whole other way, and not just because I don't have a lot of time to look or apply for one. My skill (luck?) at finding work is really pretty abysmal, and my checkered resume isn't going to make that process any easier. And the jobs out there? I really think I'd suck at writing or editing (a) a mega-company or industry newsletter, (b) for a financial services firm, or (c) for the health care industry, which seem to be the most prominent editing/writing jobs available. (Seriously, can you see me writing cheery, upbeat crap for some health care industry megalopoly that doesn't want you to notice that it's sacrificing your health for shareholder profits? Yeah, me neither.) Yes, I know I'm being negative. Take a look at the last three years of my life--at the wasteland of job loss, money loss, marriage to a liar, separation from same, health care issues for both parents, mental health issues for said spouse--and it's no wonder I'm overwhelmed. But knowing that I am, and knowing why I am, do not help. And it especially doesn't help me get a job, which is the thing I most want these days. Okay, second-most want; divorce would have to be at the top, and no, I haven't had time to get that moving, either.